“I need a fix ’cause I’m going down”

So like, it happened like this…I gotta give you some background on this.  The story should begin in August…you see it actually must have been over a period of time, really.  All summer long I was busy out in the garden and so great was my level of activity, I was able to take the entire summer off from walking my 3 to 5 miles a day 4 to 6 days a week.  I got on the scale in August and was a very comfortable 190 lbs.  “Looking good” I smiled in the mirror and “feeling better,” I said in my head.  So at the end of October when I stepped on the scale again and I was up to 195, I wasn’t too surprised because I knew things had slowed down.  I decided to take it easy during the holidays, enjoy myself but not go crazy, and try to not hit 200.

So, I sit here today, at the Davison Precinct in Detroit, being questioned as to why I shot my bathroom scale.  I have been read my rights and I thought it prudent to waive my request to have a lawyer present.  I wasn’t going to be here too long.  I was confident that everybody would understand my side of the story.

Detective Hill:   Uh, Mr. Littsey, this shouldn’t take too long.  Uh, may I call you Arthur?


Me:   Sure, no problem…just don’t call me Art okay? (always Arthur never Art)

Detective Hill:   (stifling a smile) Right Ar—thur!  So, can you tell me what happened?

Me:   Yes, of course.  I got up and for some reason felt that today would be a good day to step on the old scale to see how much or how little damage was done over the holidays.  I remembered hearing a local news reporter claim that we can get our metabolism up and running by drinking a glass of cold water first thing in the morning…burns calories or something…so I thought that would be a good time to check my weight.  I pulled the scale out and stepped on it and I was totally shocked by the images shown on the digital dial.  My first thought was something was wrong.  So I started peeling articles of clothing off until I was standing there in my “tidy whiteys” and to my further amazement the numbers had changed only slightly…like only by an ounce or two.

Detective Hill:   You’re not going to tell me that this is all about some pounds that you might have…

Me:    (Interrupting) Of course this is more than that, may I continue?

Detective Hill:   Yes, you may.

Me:   I recalled that I had a problem with the scales’ accuracy earlier in the year and it was a fiend on batteries.  So I attempted to change the batteries.  First, because I lacked the right sized screwdriver it took me nearly 10 minutes to get the damn machine open.  Second, I didn’t have extra batteries on hand so I had to go out in the rain to the all-night Rite-Aid to get some.   Third, after installing the new batteries (which are not cheap mind you) I stripped down and stepped back on the scale to see that yes, the first reading was off by 2 pounds…Doggone it, I was now 2 pounds heavier than I was 45 minutes ago.  So I had no choice but to do what I did.

Detective Hill:   You had no choice?

Me:   Yes, I shot it!  I shot the dadgum contraption, YES I DID!  I shot it for lyin’!!!

Detective Hill:   For lyin’?

Me:   You’re damn right I did.  Oh, I believed it when I was at 190 and I believed it when I was 195 but there ain’t no way in…

Detective Hill:   Art…Arthur

Me:   It was lyin’…it had to be lyin’…and there was only one thing I could do.  You understand don’t you?

Detective Hill:   I believe I do, I have been married for 45 years so I have a pretty good idea as for what you are going through.  It actually has a name…  “Post-Holiday something or other”…my wife knows all about it.

Me:   (whimpering)  I-I-I h-had t-to d-do itttttt.  Somebody had to stop it.  It would have lied to anybody…my mother, my sisters, my friends…why Officer Hill, I think it would’ve even lied to you!

Detective Hill:   Oh Yeah…heh-heh-heh, I am sure of that…heh-heh-heh.  The report here says that you used a shotgun?

Me:   Well I wanted to make sure it would be all over when I was through.  At first I thought about using a 22 but all that was going to do was leave a little hole.  I had other options like a 44 or 357 magnum, but since I couldn’t remember Clint Eastwood’s lines in Dirty Harry, I decided not to use either one.  The shotgun for some reason felt just right…it kinda spoke to me (Happiness is a Warm Gun), so I loaded up both barrels and fired away.

Detective Hill:   The report says you fired four shots!

Me:   Yup, 4 shots was all I had.  I wanted to make sure that that doggone contraption would lie no more…to anybody.  BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!  Done!!!!!

Detective Hill:   Welllllllll Art, here’s what we are going to do.  Since you didn’t shoot at anybody and the only damage is to your property we are basically going to let you off on those charges.  But you will be put on probation and while you are on probation you are going to be put on a diet.  No more snacking at inappropriate times of the day.  You will be required to keep a journal of what you eat, when you eat and how much you have eaten.  Additionally, weather-permitting, you will walk 2 – 3 miles a day 3 to 4 days a week AND ride your exercise bike on the days you do not walk.  Start at 10 minutes and work yourself up to a minimum of 30 minutes/6 miles a day.  Lastly, you will perform aerobic exercises for 30 minutes at least 4 days a week.

There will also be a change in your diet over the next few months.  At least one day a week will be devoted to vegetarian foods only.  Integrate different forms of pasta, more brown rice and whole-grains.  We are going to ask you to take a hard look at your salt consumption.  Sodium is everywhere so you need to be careful how much you eat over a normal day.  You are back to the “weekend-only egg breakfast,” we have video of you at McDonald’s ordering their breakfast burritos…Man you really like those don’t you?  There will be no more of that and no more than 2.5 ounces of processed/prepared meats a day.  How are you fixed on soups?  Do you like soups?

Me:   Yes, I do!  Right now I have homemade pea soup, Great Northern bean cassoulet w/ham, vegetarian vegetable, meatball w/roasted vegetables and turkey w/roasted vegetables soups in my freezer.  A couple of quarts of each!

Detective Hill:   Good!  You will be eating a lot of soup for a while!  How much protein do you get a day?

Me:   Protein?

Detective Hill:   Yeah, you know…meat?

Me:   Not counting the paltry amount you allow me at lunch I guess I will be going for about 2 to 4 ounces a meat a day, eh?

Detective Hill:   Uh, Art…I think that will be okay…just keep…

Me:   I thought I told you not to call me Art!

Detective Hill:   Okay, Arthur just keep your protein amount to something around that.  No fried foods, okay?  Do you think you can handle this?

Me:   Un-uh…Okay!

Detective Hill:   Oh there’s one last thing…we want you to wear this…

Me:   BANG!!!!!


Some Good Links For You To Check Out To Get 2012 Off To A Great Start!




“Happiness Is A Warm Gun”

words and music by

John Lennon & Paul McCartney